thankful

I've been pretty caught up in my own little world of worry lately. The H is O (heat is on, people!) to start making some money, I don't know where I'm going to land job-wise, and living off our savings is, apparently, not a sustainable plan (darn). On the bright side, my "3 month sabbatical" (4 months and counting) has – at least partly – done what it was supposed to do: I'm feeling refreshed, reconnected with home life, and confident that I'm meant for some more creative purpose in life. Of course, this is also the down side... i.e., it's making it a little hard for me to contemplate a return to a 40-hour work week.

I've spent the last few weeks beginning my job hunt: reaching out to old friends, coworkers and employers, announcing my availability on Facebook, and perusing Craig's List (an activity that generally thrusts me into a state of depression so instant and deep that I have to curl into the fetal position and squeeze my eyes shut til I'm seeing spots). So far I've had two informational interviews, a few email exchanges that may net future work, and a lot of well-wishes from friends who are just sure that there are hoards of companies out there who would want to hire me.

So I find myself heading into the holidays with no idea what the future holds. And, from day to day I can't decide whether anxiety-bordering-on-panic or faith-in-an-abundant-universe is the right mental approach. I'd sure hate to look back 3 months from now, when I'll conceivably be employed, overworked and time-constrained once again, and wish that I had enjoyed the final weeks of my freedom. Besides which, I'm a little worried that "the universe" has picked up on my inner conflict: sure, I want a job; I'm just not sure I want want one. Or rather it's a cake/eat it too scenario whereby I'm more than willing to work my ass off, but I don't want to give up my recently admitted dream of pursuing acting (whatever that turns out to mean). Ah, there's the rub: I gave myself 3 months to follow a dream that really requires 3 years just to get started. What was I thinking again?

Okay, all of this contemplation aside, here's the deal: it's Thanksgiving. Me, hubby and the kids are warm, full of food, and lounging about with a half-played game of Monopoly and a stack of comics. Life is good – really good, and I'm having a hard time worrying. I am so very fucking thankful. For my family, my health, my family's health, my home, my cat Lucky (and even a little bit for Mia that damn little runt), good eats, this beautiful county we live in, Novato Charter School, amazing friends, music, art, acting, books, Dlisted.com, House M.D., and so much more. Okay, so I gotta get a few things in order, like my livelihood and whatnot, but let's not blow things out of proportion. So here's to believing in an abundant future. Couldn't hurt, might help.